Hat, Meet Hand: Has Anyone Seen Silver?

I always find promoting my own work a bit of a dicey proposition, at least at this blog. A blog post that is ultimately just a crossplug to some other site, or more importantly, some other site where you're expected to spend money, to me is not a real post; much like my concern about lists, links are not literature. However, I'm a little tired of getting informed by DVD companies that the movies I provided my services to aren't selling, because it stands to reason they're going to determine that maybe it's not the movie that's unpopular, it's me. Now most believe that the broken clock is supposed to be right twice a day, but I maintain if it's digital with a couple diodes out, well, let's just say where in the world is it ever 1-:7P o'clock? So I suppose it is my obligation to the men who gave me a microphone and a credit on the cover to spread the word on what I've done that's on the shelves, in the hope that maybe one or five of you (or, most desirably, 3000 of you) will drop some legal tender and take home a shiny platter that contains my voice on it.

To give you background, after the slow, prolonged demise of that game show, I spent a good couple years as a freelancer for the late great Subversive Cinema DVD label, and while I only did one audio commentary for them, I did plenty of other tasks that tapped into my well of creativity and cinema knowledge. Unfortunately, all those discs are out of print, though in many cases the printing quantities were so high you can find new and used copies at a reasonable price. I have since done the bulk of my work for Code Red, and it's put me in the orbit of many interesting films and people. I should stress, though, that unlike the greats of the DVD special features business, like David Prior and Mark Rance at the majors, or Elijah Drenner and Mike Felsher for the indies, I really don't get to pick and choose my assignments. In fact, it often goes down like this:

Fictional exchange: not an actual transcript

"Hey Marc!"

"Yeah?"

"I got this movie in that Canadian package, never got released. But I found the guy who did it. Wanna do the commentary?"

"Has he done anything I've ever seen?"

"Naah, it's his only movie."

"Whatever. Send me the screener."

Two days later.

"Hey Marc! You watch the movie?"

[a beat]

"Why do you hate me? What did I ever do to you? I work for free, I give you my learned counsel, and this is how you repay me?"

"You don't like it?"

"I was in pain. I had to mute the audio, I couldn't listen, it was so painful."

"So you don't wanna do the commentary?"

"I'll do the damned commentary."

"Naw, if you don't like it..."

"I googled this guy, he has an interesting backstory. I can talk to him about that."

"You're not gonna make fun of..."

"NO! I'm not gonna kiss his ass and lie, but I can ask him questions about the project and make him look good at least."

"Ask him about the Juggalos."

"What the fuck do Juggalos have to do with this movie?"

"The makeup this one kid is wearing looks like Juggalo makeup."

"You told me this movie is from '89 and never got released. Why would there be any connection between it and the Juggalos?"

Blather, rinse, repeat, usually over the span of 45 minutes, and you'll have an inkling of what I do to keep myself gathering dust in the ersatz "Cult Movies" section of the local Fry's Electronics while everyone buys the latest repackaging of THE PRINCESS BRIDE. Yes, it is true that much like the original pressing of "You And I And George", the DVD release of NIGHT OF THE DRIBBLER featuring my commentary on it sold exactly 2 copies: I bought one, and The Dribbler bought one -- Where were you? Did I mention that I take my pension in loneliness and alcohol free DVDs and no actual money? But nonetheless, I continue with this special kind of movie mishegoss, because, well, what is the alternative? NOT getting to be immortalized for 90 minutes? History may have taught us nothing, and there's plenty of those nothing-taught fellows out there who would gladly do my job for the same not-pay, so I'd rather be the fool who at least knows what he's talking about when someone's magnum opus gets its one go-round in the digital realm.

So in anticipation for the November 15th availability of my latest (and for the moment, last) work, the Shout! Factory Select exclusive release of Katt Shea's STREETS [which, see below, was a massive false positive], I thought it was time to aim the barrel of my sawed-off journalism shotgun at my toughest subject yet...MYSLEF! {echoes ridiculously} Eh...I mean...myself. So here, in another instance of hard-hitting, buffalo-style journalism, is a ranking, of sorts, of every DVD commentary that I've participated in or moderated, in terms of how professional I come off, how illuminating the comments are from the panel, and how entertained you are likely to be by the discussion. This should reflect every piece of work I've done, save for two which, due to ownership dispute, have not been released - if those ever surface, you'll hear it from me - and another two where I'm actually just playing second fiddle to another moderator because all I really do on those is provide comic relief, and they don't reflect what I want this whole piece to demonstrate: I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says...like dumb...I'm smart and I want respect!.

Going from the butt-bottom to the best:

SCREAM

As I once bemoaned in a dedicated post, this is likely the worst movie I ever agreed to give a full hearing, and probably the worst commentary I've ever done. I spend the entire time trying to glean something deeper from director Byron Quisenberry, and end up with the aural equivalent of a shaggy-dog joke. Code Red, who recently reissued this as a double feature with TERROR CIRCUS (under its BARN OF THE NAKED DEAD alternate title), ported over the previous TERROR CIRCUS commentary track but not mine, prefering to use the bitrate to offer more footage of the charming and delightful Maria Kanellis making fun of the movie, a wise decision if ya ask me: would you rather watch an overdeveloped girl or listen to an underdeveloped thesis? So unless you are heavily into the backstory of bad cinema, and want to hear me grasp at straws that fly out of my fingers like poor Beth Howland during the opening credits of "ALICE," you can safely skip this one.

URBAN LEGENDS

So shocking that it had to be hidden in the brown paper credits for "THE UNKNOWN COMEDY SPECIAL," there is a work of homemade horror that, as a student of the art form, provided plenty of LQTM's, but probably would not be as amusing to someone looking for a degree of coherence in a movie. URBAN LEGENDS was an early effort by performance artists/pranksters Dino Lee and Carl Crew, which got usurped by producer Bill Osco and mangled up into what is now, as Mondo Digital observed, "A staggering train wreck that will have you doubting your sanity and rejecting whatever religion you hold closest to your heart, this belongs on your shelf in a deep, dark corner next to atrocities like COOL AS ICE, THE UNDERGROUND COMEDY MOVIE, and TRANSFORMERS 2." The commentary track with Crew, which was supposed to be a co-host gig with our mutual friend Lenora Claire until she was unable to appear and I had to go solo, is a fun listen, but I always got the notion that in klassik karny style, I was being kayfabed by Crew, especially on the topic of his late friend Eric Fournier and their controversial media creation Shaye Saint John. So between the lack of structure in the movie and the lack of transparency from the interview subject, I only recommend this to my most devoted fans.

THE BEING

Another Bill Osco production I got roped into. Since most of the principals of this so-called-spoof-that-doesn't-seem-to-have-any-larfs-or-sex were either dead (Jose Ferrer) or were too media shy (Osco himself), I sat down with the quite informative and still funny Johnny Dark for this commentary, despite the fact his contribution to the film lasts less than 10 minutes. You'll learn very little about the movie, but you'll learn a lot about comedy history from Johnny, who rattles tales about the great stand-up strike of the '70's, performing with both the Osmonds and the Jacksons, and his decades-long friendship with David Letterman.

NIGHT OF THE DRIBBLER

If you want a clinic on how not to write or perform a horror comedy, you can watch this. If you want to hear one legendary funnyman, one hardworking producer, and this squirrely nut trying to crack each other up to compensate for the lack of laughs, this one is right up your alley. There is a retroactive poignance to this track since neither me nor HOSTEL producer Scott Spiegel were aware that Fred Travalena was valiantly fighting cancer when he sat down with us, and would ultimately lose that fight a few months later; he coulda fooled us, as he was fast with the quips and honest with his assessments on the state of comedy. It's essentially the career retrospective interview that would not have happened were it not for a movie that Fred probably would have been happy to forget, so something good came out of it all.

HORROR HIGH

So, now we start getting into movies that I genuinely enjoy, and feel quite happy to be associated with. This occasion was borne out of an initial problem: Actor/producer Pat Cardi had long been challenging the ownership of this film by Crown International, and as such refused to participate in this release. And aside from Austin Stoker, most of the cast had disappeared to the four winds and could not be found. Code Red approached me about doing a "comedy commentary," and initially I bristled because I didn't want to anger fans of the movie like me who genuinely liked the film, plus recently there have been too many sub-par pretenders to the "MST3K" throne that were making tracks that were either tired drunken rambling or mean-spirited snark. But when they suggested I reunite me mates from "BEAT THE GEEKS," I warmed to it, because J. Keith and Paul know how to be funny and smart and not lean on tired condescenscion for laughs. And it worked out great: we cracked some good jokes, and I even got some legitimate history on the production into the mix. I think even Cardi would approve of what we ended up with.

THE PYX

I had quite the struggle to get this commentary done: it took a lot of honeyed discussions to convince Karen Black to sit down for one of her not-so-beloved movies, then there was the matter of nailing down a date to record it, and finally the finished commentary was literally added to the mastering process at the last minute! Thankfully it all came together. I think I'm alone in the wilderness in my genuine enjoyment of this long misunderstood film, which is really less of a horror film about devil cults and more a MEMENTO-style mediation on religion and righteousness. I only rank it lower than other commentaries I've done because upon listening to it, I have so many "Um" and "Ah" moments that the Toastmasters would grill me alive; I'm sure that's present on other commentaries I've done, but it just felt especially egregious here. Well, that and I occasionally lose my focus when Ms. Black chooses to take the discussion in another more interesting direction. Ultimately though, a long poortly-treated movie finally gets its due, and I got to help.

STREETS

Katt Shea had always been an inspirational figure to me - moving quite quickly from "Pretty Girl" dayplayer to stylistic auteur in a few short moves, with the nurturing of sex-positive and sexually-progressive producer Roger Corman - and it had always bothered me that her career advancement hit a wall. In this commentary track, not only did I get to meet an idol, I got to ask point blank what happened. And she answered it, in a frank and refreshing manner: Shea addresses low-budget shoots, working with real homeless kids, and why it's still so damn hard for women directors in this business. And since Christina Applegate's excellent and touching performance reminded me an awful lot of a girl I used to know, the whole thing got emotional for me; you might just hear me tearing up as we wrap. It also took a little behind-the-scenes wrangling for this to get out, so I'm very grateful you'll be able to hear it.

Update: Contrary to what I had been told by a trusted source, my commentary with Katt Shea for STREETS is NOT offered on the just released DVD of the movie. So if you ordered it hoping to hear her tell the story of the making of the film, I'm sorry I misled you.


THE VISITOR

Joanne Nail didn't make many movies, but at least two of them have found long-loyal fans over the decades. And when technical snafus forced a previously-recorded commentary with her to be scrapped, and I was asked to sit with her and re-do it, it was a privilege for me to sit with the eternal Switchblade Sister. THE VISITOR is quite a goofy movie, with its parade of slumming legends (John Huston, Shelley Winters) and bizarre patchwork of elements from every major '70's trend (demonic possession, space travel, conspiracy theory), but you get caught up in it all the same. Part of the reason is the legitimately thought-out and committed performance by Nail, which she details in our chat, demonstrating that sometimes the best acting is devoted to the most ludicrous stories.

THE CANDY SNATCHERS

This one is still the big glittering prize for me, even though technically I play second fiddle to Subversive founder Norm Hill, because it was my determined efforts that helped put the otherwise reclusive Tiffany Bolling and Susan Sennett in the studio in the first place. And when you hear them talk, you feel you're sitting in on some heavy emotions and confessions that have been waiting years for revelation - relief that work is appreciated, scars from harsh shooting conditions, lives that took deep turns. It becomes less of a chat and more of an encounter group, and you almost feel guilty for eavesdropping.

MEN CRY BULLETS

After all these years, after movies with higher profiles and bigger stars and bigger stakes, somehow, I still think this is one of my best moments, because it was my very first commentary track ever, done in the service of a close friend who was also recording her first commentary track ever. As such, while both of us would go on to more polished work, here we were like two kids playing dress-up and going for broke, me as the overly prepared interviewer, her as the iconoclastic director. Sure, I think you'll learn a lot about this specific movie and indie filmmaking in general from our talk, but I think you'll also learn about us and who we were all those years ago. And I think the thrill of the best commentaries is not so much dry information but really gaining intuition into the personalities of those artists that move us, what makes them tick...and in certain moments, finding out why we were drawn to each other.

And of course, there's my commentary track for LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE FABULOUS STAINS too - but I don't really feel like I should include that on this countdown since it didn't get on the actual disc, and you can download that for free by just moving your cursor a little to the right and clicking. Nobody's going to judge my ability to move product for that one.

So there's my list of what I naively hope may just fill up your shopping cart and perhaps even pop up near the end of the year in wrapping paper under trees and 8-holster candelabras. Movie Godz willing, maybe next year I'll have some more commentary trax to level the business end of my 12-gauge journalism bazooka squarely at for you to listen to...even if it's just white noise to help you fall asleep. It's okay, I've done it myself; That SCREAM DVD is better than those Sharper Image environments synthesizers!

Gyno Rockers and Geek Reunions

Taking my liberties as this blog's proprietor to push, cajole, and noodge y'all into partaking of a couple recent endeavors of mine:


First, I am this week's guest co-host on the venerable Popcorn Mafia podcast alongside the rarely flapped boss of all things boss Grae Drake. Our guest critic this week is pop culture anthopologist, Kill Radio D.J., former BrandWeek blogger, and all-around minty fresh personality Becky Ebenkamp. You'll hear bad impressions, great recommendations, and lots of righteous girl power as we review two movies about girls with guitars: first the bright sugary fluff of JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS (2001), starring Rachael Leigh Cook, then the darker grittier punk pulp of BANDITS (1999), starring the hottest actress you didn't know you were infatuated with, Jasmin Tabatabai.

Click here for the episode

Second, hitting video store shelves today, or at least those video stores that aren't inundated with 5000 copies of DATE NIGHT, is the first-ever UNCUT DVD release of the '70's teenage Jekyll/Hyde thriller HORROR HIGH, which features a comedy commentary featuring myself with two other "BEAT THE GEEKS" alumni, King of TV Paul Goebel, and genial first-cycle host J. Keith van Straaten.


Filmed in Texas with former child star Pat Cardi, ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 badass Austin Stoker, and various slumming football stars including Mean Joe Greene, this staple of the Crown International library has circulated on late night cable and cheap tapes for years in a watered-down cut with ridiculous "shot for TV" padding footage, but now finally arrives in the original R-rated cut. It's an effective lil' low-budget high school revenge fantasy, and the three of us take some playful but never disrespectful jabs at the movie on our audio track. Gather ye armies of couch potatoes, pizza, and beer, and sit down for good old Texas Kill 'Em action!

Enjoy listening to my voice this week - if that's the sort of thing you enjoy...

'tis a Vile and Thankless Task

Back in my stand-up days, a fellow comic named Faye Haire had a series of "Your mommma is such a dumb hooker..." jokes I was very fond of. The biggest laugh of the batch was for, "Your momma is such a dumb hooker, she forgets to collect her pay, which means she's just a slut!". Too often, that is exactly what it feels like to be me in this showness we call biz. In the elusive and vain hope of getting visibility and recognition and perhaps that great mythical second cup of coffee, plenty of us know-it-all movie snots do all manner of unpaid work. Not just blogs like these, obviously, but book forewords, screening intros, and especially DVD commentaries. In our heads, we are thinking why, if Gloria Stuart could get cast in TITANIC after her wonderful repartee with Bill Condon and Curtis Harrington on the laserdisc of THE OLD DARK HOUSE, surely one of us thriftstore Eberts could get heard on some low-budget Z-movie release and be hired by one of the big eight to wax eloquently on one of their silver platters, right? WORNG! But we do it anyway. What can I say? While Faye's joke is appropriate, I guess my name is Heuck and I like to feuck.

Now, I have built up a small reputation for being a good talking voice on the genre DVDs. I have also built a reputation for being willing to take on assignments that none of the more respectable moderators in the business would accept. As such, this is why I actively discourage people from labeling me a movie critic or trying to classify this blog as any kind of scholarly journalism. I will freely own up to the fact that I have done commentaries for movies that I know in my heart are irredeemable crap. More importantly, I will own up to the fact that I want people to buy and watch them, both to bear witness to my hard work, and to make money for the companies who hire me so that they will be inclined to hire me again...and maybe next time pay me something.

To be clear, it's not unpleasant to do special features for a bad movie. In fact, it's often fun depending on the demeanor of the participants. When I was enlisted to moderate commentary for the previously unreleased (for good reason) horror comedy NIGHT OF THE DRIBBLER, it gave me the pleasure of trading goofy impressions and corny jokes with veteran comedian Fred Travalena, and it was a thrill to go round-to-round and hold my own with him. In retrospect, as none of us at that recording session were aware of his ongoing fight with non-Hodgkins lymphoma which would ultimately claim his life four months later, I was darned lucky and privileged to have my role in what would be one of his last public speaking events. Yeah, in all candor, the movie is about as funny as a hangnail, but if you listen to my commentary, you'll find yourself laughing for all the right reasons.

And then, there's commentaries like the one I did for this better-forgotten horror film from 1981, SCREAM. The director, Byron Quisenberry, was a nice and sincere enough fella, but darn it if he wasn't dryer than dust in a lumberyard. If you're willing to laugh for all the wrong reasons, listen to me extend to him every possible interpretation of his film, its L.A.-rush-hour-slow pacing, and its near-incomprehensible resolutions, that would exonerate him and justify the artistic decisions (or lack thereof) that have been mercilessly ridiculed by almost every IMDb reviewer and blogger that endured this snorefest...and listen to him just repeat the mantra, "Eh, it is what it is." I mean, I can't be that asshole who rips the movie to shreds in his presence, but when he all but admits on mic that he made the thing because he could get the Paramount Ranch cheap for a week and call in favors from a bunch of old actors, and that he barely had a script, and that it's a miracle it turned a profit in theatrical release, any normal person would crack from the intransigence and call him out. But I'm not a normal person. So if you've ever thought James Lipton was a fawning blower of smoke, listen to this commentary and you'll think I'm Union Fucking Carbide! Then again, if I can make this abuse of guitar picks look like more than "what it is," imagine what I can do for your movie. So how about giving me a gig? A paying one?

Oh yeah, and meanwhile, buy the DVD! Use the $18 you were gonna spend on CLASH OF THE TITANS this weekend; if necessary, tell your brats they can watch the old Harryhausen version and deal with it. And if they keep bellyaching, make them watch SCREAM with you; once it's over, they'll know never to disrespect your authoritah again!