Gyno Rockers and Geek Reunions

Taking my liberties as this blog's proprietor to push, cajole, and noodge y'all into partaking of a couple recent endeavors of mine:


First, I am this week's guest co-host on the venerable Popcorn Mafia podcast alongside the rarely flapped boss of all things boss Grae Drake. Our guest critic this week is pop culture anthopologist, Kill Radio D.J., former BrandWeek blogger, and all-around minty fresh personality Becky Ebenkamp. You'll hear bad impressions, great recommendations, and lots of righteous girl power as we review two movies about girls with guitars: first the bright sugary fluff of JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS (2001), starring Rachael Leigh Cook, then the darker grittier punk pulp of BANDITS (1999), starring the hottest actress you didn't know you were infatuated with, Jasmin Tabatabai.

Click here for the episode

Second, hitting video store shelves today, or at least those video stores that aren't inundated with 5000 copies of DATE NIGHT, is the first-ever UNCUT DVD release of the '70's teenage Jekyll/Hyde thriller HORROR HIGH, which features a comedy commentary featuring myself with two other "BEAT THE GEEKS" alumni, King of TV Paul Goebel, and genial first-cycle host J. Keith van Straaten.


Filmed in Texas with former child star Pat Cardi, ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 badass Austin Stoker, and various slumming football stars including Mean Joe Greene, this staple of the Crown International library has circulated on late night cable and cheap tapes for years in a watered-down cut with ridiculous "shot for TV" padding footage, but now finally arrives in the original R-rated cut. It's an effective lil' low-budget high school revenge fantasy, and the three of us take some playful but never disrespectful jabs at the movie on our audio track. Gather ye armies of couch potatoes, pizza, and beer, and sit down for good old Texas Kill 'Em action!

Enjoy listening to my voice this week - if that's the sort of thing you enjoy...

The Soft Opening

I really did not want to start a blog. There are too damn many of them. And those are just the ones I like. I have always been of the notion that if everyone is a critic, then nobody is a critic. As such, my gut tells me that this is a bad way to draw attention to myself. Especially since I do not like to draw attention to myself. That may sound odd to you, seeing as how I appeared on TV for 130 episodes, have done a slew of DVD commentary tracks, and moved to the greatest fabricated paradise in the world with the goal of making a name in entertainment. But really, I do fancy myself the Shy Quiet Recluse - don't let my dildos, vibrators, and handcuffs fool you. A good chunk of my motivation is self-preservation. During the short interval when I was allowed into the 67% of American homes with cable television, I had a stalker problem that needed police involvement. I currently pay my rent through my employment by an organization that does not cotton to my unfiltered and often misanthropic worldview, and would certainly not want my name and their name linked in the same sentence, especially after I've let fly with my spleen and uvula. In short, I put myself at great personal risk each time I engage in public speaking. But then, Dr. King said that the ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. And while certain high-profile individuals in our society have all but taken "Give me convenience or give me death" as a life's mantra, when I look at all the trouble I've gotten myself into, I can at least say I earned the bulk of it and was nobody's victim but mine own. I'm just a big man with a humble penis.

And as the scorched earth I have left behind will confirm, I'm also a very opinionated individual about film and culture. There has been a significant number of people who have suggested, nay demanded, that I take my opinions out of the realm of messageboards, social networks, and cinema sidewalks, and put them in one place for the general public. It makes sense: 74% of American homes have internet access, and a quarter of the world is online, thus creating an even greater potential base of viewing eyes to flummox and annoy. Not to mention that with the exception of New Zealand and the Phillipines, the multiple corporations who own "BEAT THE GEEKS" have been doing an excellent job of making sure no one will ever see the program in any permutation of media again for the remainder of time. (If you don't believe me, digitize your old VHS tape of a favorite episode, put it on YouTube, and see how fast it is taken down and your account terminated) So why not build it and see who will come? It's worked for just as many opinionated (albeit more polite) individuals whom I have been lucky to befriend in recent years, whose links you will find accumulated to the side.

So, you know how you're hosting a party, and it's not quite over, but a lot of people have already gone home and it's down to your core group and you figure that everything that was gonna happen has happened, and then someone shows up really late, and you're debating whether to tell them to come in and socialize or that it's pretty dead and they should call it a night?

Well, it's Christmas Eve. I've arrived at your party. I'm hoping you'll let me in. I don't mind if there's no refreshments left, I ate before I came over anyway.